Evil Satan

INT. TBN HEADQUARTERS - AFTERNOON

Kind Chick-fil-A drive-thru employee MR. KIRK CAMERON is arguing with Strong Wife MR.S CHELSEA CAMERON. KIRK tries to hug CHELSEA but she shakes him off.

KIRK
Please Chelsea, don't leave me.

CHELSEA
I'm sorry Kirk, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

KIRK
I am such a person!

CHELSEA frowns.

CHELSEA
I'm sorry, Kirk. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

CHELSEA leaves.

KIRK sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, Nice Hercules MR. KEVIN SORBO barges in looking flustered.

KIRK
Goodness, Kevin! Is everything okay?

KEVIN
I'm afraid not.

KIRK
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

KEVIN
It's ... a Satan ... I saw an evil Satan brainwash a bunch of youth group kids!

KIRK
Defenseless youth group kids?

KEVIN
Yes, defenseless youth group kids!

KIRK
Bloomin' heck, Kevin! We've got to do something.

KEVIN
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

KIRK
You can start by telling me where this happened.

KEVIN
I was...

KEVIN fans himself and begins to wheeze.

KIRK
Focus Kevin, focus! Where did it happen?

KEVIN
Ark Encounter! That's right - Ark Encounter!

KIRK springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

KIRK rushes along the street, followed by KEVIN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. ARK ENCOUNTER - SHORTLY AFTER

RICHARD DAWKINS an Evil Satan terrorises two youth group kids.

KIRK, closely followed by KEVIN, rushes towards RICHARD, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

KEVIN
What is is? What's the matter?

KIRK
That's not just any old Satan, that's Richard Dawkins!

KEVIN
Who's Richard Dawkins?

KIRK
Who's Richard Dawkins? Who's Richard Dawkins? Only the most Evil Satan in the universe!

KEVIN
Blinkin' knickers, Kirk! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Evil Satan in the universe!

KIRK
You can say that again.

KEVIN
Blinkin' knickers, Kirk! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Evil Satan in the universe!

KIRK
I'm going to need Bibles, lots of Bibles.

Richard turns and sees Kirk and Kevin. He grins an evil grin.

RICHARD
Kirk Cameron, we meet again.

KEVIN
You've met?

KIRK
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young KIRK is sitting in a park listening to some Newsboys music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees RICHARD. He takes off his headphones.

RICHARD
Would you like some Testamints?

KIRK's eyes light up, but then he studies RICHARD more closely, and looks uneasy.

KIRK
I don't know, you look kind of Evil.

RICHARD
Me? No. I'm not Evil. I'm the least Evil Satan in the world.

KIRK
Wait, you're a Satan?

KIRK runs away, screaming.

EXT. ARK ENCOUNTER - PRESENT DAY

RICHARD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

KEVIN
(To KIRK) You ran away?

KIRK
(To KEVIN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

KIRK turns to RICHARD.

KIRK
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

KIRK runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

KIRK
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Bibles.

RICHARD
I'm not scared of you.

KIRK
You should be.

INT. CHICK-FIL-A - LATER THAT DAY

KIRK and KEVIN walk around searching for something.

KIRK
I feel sure I left my Bibles somewhere around here.

KEVIN
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Bibles.

KIRK
You know nothing Kevin Sorbo.

KEVIN
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, RICHARD appears, holding a pair of Bibles.

RICHARD
Looking for something?

KEVIN
Crikey, Kirk, he's got your Bibles.

KIRK
Tell me something I don't already know!

KEVIN
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

KIRK
I know that already!

KEVIN
I'm a conservative.

RICHARD
(appalled) Dude!

While RICHARD is looking at KEVIN with disgust, KIRK lunges forward and grabs his deadly Bibles. He wields them, triumphantly.

KIRK
Prepare to die, you Evil Cucumber!

RICHARD
No please! All I did was brainwash a bunch of youth group kids!

CHELSEA enters, unseen by any of the others.

KIRK
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those youth group kids were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Kirk Cameron defender of innocent youth group kids.

RICHARD
Don't hurt me! Please!

KIRK
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Bibles on you right away!

RICHARD
Because Kirk, I am your father.

KIRK looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

KIRK
No you're not!

RICHARD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

RICHARD tries to grab the Bibles but KIRK dodges out of the way.

KIRK
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, RICHARD slumps to the ground.

KEVIN
Did he just faint?

KIRK
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Bibles.

KIRK crouches over RICHARD's body.

KEVIN
Be careful, Kirk. It could be a trick.

KIRK
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Richard Dawkins is dead!

KIRK
What?

KIRK
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

KEVIN claps his hands.

KEVIN
So your Bibles did save the day, after all.

CHELSEA steps forward.

CHELSEA
Is it true? Did you kill the Evil Satan?

KIRK
Chelsea how long have you been...?

CHELSEA puts her arm around KIRK.

CHELSEA
Long enough.

KIRK
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Richard Dawkins.

CHELSEA
Then the youth group kids are safe?

KIRK
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable youth group kids enter, looking relived.

CHELSEA
You are their hero.

The youth group kids bow to KIRK.

KIRK
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Richard Dawkins will never brainwash youth group kids ever again, is enough for me.

CHELSEA
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the youth group kids passes KIRK a shiny WWJD bracelet

CHELSEA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

KIRK
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

KIRK
Well, if you insist.

KIRK takes the WWJD bracelet.

KIRK
Thank you.

The youth group kids bow their heads once more, and leave.

KIRK turns to CHELSEA.

KIRK
Does this mean you want me back?

CHELSEA
Oh, Kirk, of course I want you back!

KIRK smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

KIRK
Well you can't have me.

CHELSEA
WHAT?

KIRK
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Satan to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

CHELSEA
But...

KIRK
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Kevin.

KEVIN grins.

CHELSEA
But...

KEVIN
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

CHELSEA
Kirk?

KIRK
I'm sorry Chelsea, but I think you should skidaddle.

CHELSEA leaves.

KEVIN turns to KIRK.

KEVIN
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

KIRK
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly KEVIN stops.

KEVIN
When I said I'm a conservative, you know I was just trying to distract the Satan don't you?

THE END