Nasty Armus

INT. ENTERPRISE - AFTERNOON

Badass Captain JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK is arguing with Logical Yeoman JANICE RAND. TIBERIUS tries to hug RAND but she shakes him off.

TIBERIUS
Please , don't leave me.

RAND
I'm sorry Tiberius, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

TIBERIUS
I am such a person!

RAND frowns.

RAND
I'm sorry, Tiberius. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

RAND leaves.

TIBERIUS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, Professional First Officer SPOCK barges in looking flustered.

TIBERIUS
Goodness, ! Is everything okay?

SPOCK
I'm afraid not.

TIBERIUS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

SPOCK
It's ... an Armus ... I saw an evil Armus Destroy a bunch of Tellarites!

TIBERIUS
Defenseless Tellarites?

SPOCK
Yes, defenseless Tellarites!

TIBERIUS
Bloomin' heck, ! We've got to do something.

SPOCK
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

TIBERIUS
You can start by telling me where this happened.

SPOCK
I was...

SPOCK fans himself and begins to wheeze.

TIBERIUS
Focus , focus! Where did it happen?

SPOCK
Vulcan! That's right - Vulcan!

TIBERIUS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

TIBERIUS rushes along the street, followed by SPOCK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. VULCAN - SHORTLY AFTER

a Nasty Armus terrorises two Tellarites.

TIBERIUS, closely followed by SPOCK, rushes towards KURGE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

SPOCK
What is is? What's the matter?

TIBERIUS
That's not just any old Armus, that's !

SPOCK
Who's ?

TIBERIUS
Who's ? Who's ? Only the most Nasty Armus in the universe!

SPOCK
Blinkin' knickers, Tiberius! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Nasty Armus in the universe!

TIBERIUS
You can say that again.

SPOCK
Blinkin' knickers, Tiberius! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Nasty Armus in the universe!

TIBERIUS
I'm going to need Words, lots of Words.

turns and sees Tiberius and . He grins an evil grin.

KURGE
Tiberius Kirk, we meet again.

SPOCK
You've met?

TIBERIUS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young TIBERIUS is sitting in a park listening to some Vulcan Swing music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees KURGE. He takes off his headphones.

KURGE
Would you like some Jelly Babies?

TIBERIUS's eyes light up, but then he studies KURGE more closely, and looks uneasy.

TIBERIUS
I don't know, you look kind of Nasty.

KURGE
Me? No. I'm not Nasty. I'm the least Nasty Armus in the world.

TIBERIUS
Wait, you're a Armus?

TIBERIUS runs away, screaming.

EXT. VULCAN - PRESENT DAY

KURGE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

SPOCK
(To TIBERIUS) You ran away?

TIBERIUS
(To SPOCK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

TIBERIUS turns to KURGE.

TIBERIUS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

TIBERIUS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

TIBERIUS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Words.

KURGE
I'm not scared of you.

TIBERIUS
You should be.

INT. FEDERATION EMBASSY - LATER THAT DAY

TIBERIUS and SPOCK walk around searching for something.

TIBERIUS
I feel sure I left my Words somewhere around here.

SPOCK
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Words.

TIBERIUS
You know nothing .

SPOCK
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, KURGE appears, holding a pair of Words.

KURGE
Looking for something?

SPOCK
Crikey, Tiberius, he's got your Words.

TIBERIUS
Tell me something I don't already know!

SPOCK
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

TIBERIUS
I know that already!

SPOCK
I'm allergic to tomato.

KURGE
(appalled) Dude!

While KURGE is looking at SPOCK with disgust, TIBERIUS lunges forward and grabs his deadly Words. He wields them, triumphantly.

TIBERIUS
Prepare to die, you Nasty Tomato!

KURGE
No please! All I did was Destroy a bunch of Tellarites!

RAND enters, unseen by any of the others.

TIBERIUS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Tellarites were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Tiberius Kirk defender of innocent Tellarites.

KURGE
Don't hurt me! Please!

TIBERIUS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Words on you right away!

KURGE
Because Tiberius, I am your father.

TIBERIUS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

TIBERIUS
No you're not!

KURGE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

KURGE tries to grab the Words but TIBERIUS dodges out of the way.

TIBERIUS
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, KURGE slumps to the ground.

SPOCK
Did he just faint?

TIBERIUS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Words.

TIBERIUS crouches over KURGE's body.

SPOCK
Be careful, Tiberius. It could be a trick.

TIBERIUS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... is dead!

TIBERIUS
What?

TIBERIUS
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

SPOCK claps his hands.

SPOCK
So your Words did save the day, after all.

RAND steps forward.

RAND
Is it true? Did you kill the Nasty Armus?

TIBERIUS
how long have you been...?

RAND puts her arm around TIBERIUS.

RAND
Long enough.

TIBERIUS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed .

RAND
Then the Tellarites are safe?

TIBERIUS
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Tellarites enter, looking relived.

RAND
You are their hero.

The Tellarites bow to TIBERIUS.

TIBERIUS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that will never Destroy Tellarites ever again, is enough for me.

RAND
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Tellarites passes TIBERIUS a Large Enterprise

RAND
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

TIBERIUS
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

TIBERIUS
Well, if you insist.

TIBERIUS takes the Enterprise.

TIBERIUS
Thank you.

The Tellarites bow their heads once more, and leave.

TIBERIUS turns to RAND.

TIBERIUS
Does this mean you want me back?

RAND
Oh, Tiberius, of course I want you back!

TIBERIUS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

TIBERIUS
Well you can't have me.

RAND
WHAT?

TIBERIUS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Armus to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

RAND
But...

TIBERIUS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, .

SPOCK grins.

RAND
But...

SPOCK
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

RAND
Tiberius?

TIBERIUS
I'm sorry , but I think you should skidaddle.

RAND leaves.

SPOCK turns to TIBERIUS.

SPOCK
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

TIBERIUS
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly SPOCK stops.

SPOCK
When I said I'm allergic to tomato, you know I was just trying to distract the Armus don't you?

THE END