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Nerd BADGER

A Screenplay by Untitled writer

INT. CORONA - AFTERNOON

Misterious Q U E E N QUEEN ADIRA CAKELOVER is arguing with sassy angel PRINCE LANCE STRONGBOW. ADIRA tries to hug LANCE but he shakes her off.

ADIRA
Please Lance, don't leave me.

LANCE
I'm sorry Adira, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

ADIRA
I am such a person!

LANCE frowns.

LANCE
I'm sorry, Adira. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

LANCE leaves.

ADIRA sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, precious knight in shining armor SIR CASSANDRA GUARD barges in looking flustered.

ADIRA
Goodness, Cassandra! Is everything okay?

CASSANDRA
I'm afraid not.

ADIRA
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

CASSANDRA
It's ... a BADGER ... I saw an evil BADGER snatch weave a bunch of babies!

ADIRA
Defenseless babies?

CASSANDRA
Yes, defenseless babies!

ADIRA
Bloomin' heck, Cassandra! We've got to do something.

CASSANDRA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

ADIRA
You can start by telling me where this happened.

CASSANDRA
I was...

CASSANDRA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

ADIRA
Focus Cassandra, focus! Where did it happen?

CASSANDRA
Old Corona! That's right - Old Corona!

ADIRA springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

ADIRA rushes along the street, followed by CASSANDRA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


INT. OLD CORONA - SHORTLY AFTER

VARIAN QUIRINSON a nerd BADGER terrorises two babies.

ADIRA, closely followed by CASSANDRA, rushes towards VARIAN, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

CASSANDRA
What is is? What's the matter?

ADIRA
That's not just any old BADGER, that's Varian Quirinson!

CASSANDRA
Who's Varian Quirinson?

ADIRA
Who's Varian Quirinson? Who's Varian Quirinson? Only the most nerd BADGER in the universe!

CASSANDRA
Blinkin' knickers, Adira! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most nerd BADGER in the universe!

ADIRA
You can say that again.

CASSANDRA
Blinkin' knickers, Adira! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most nerd BADGER in the universe!

ADIRA
I'm going to need sword, lots of sword.

Varian turns and sees Adira and Cassandra. He grins an evil grin.

VARIAN
Adira Cakelover, we meet again.

CASSANDRA
You've met?

ADIRA
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...


EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young ADIRA is sitting in a park listening to some RAPunzel music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees VARIAN. She takes off her headphones.

VARIAN
Would you like some cake?

ADIRA's eyes light up, but then he studies VARIAN more closely, and looks uneasy.

ADIRA
I don't know, you look kind of nerd.

VARIAN
Me? No. I'm not nerd. I'm the least nerd BADGER in the world.

ADIRA
Wait, you're a BADGER?

ADIRA runs away, screaming.


INT. OLD CORONA - PRESENT DAY

VARIAN
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

CASSANDRA
(To ADIRA) You ran away?

ADIRA
(To CASSANDRA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ADIRA turns to VARIAN.

ADIRA
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

ADIRA runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

ADIRA
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with sword.

VARIAN
I'm not scared of you.

ADIRA
You should be.


INT. DARK KINGDOM - LATER THAT DAY

ADIRA and CASSANDRA walk around searching for something.

ADIRA
I feel sure I left my sword somewhere around here.

CASSANDRA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly sword.

ADIRA
You know nothing Cassandra Guard.

CASSANDRA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, VARIAN appears, holding a pair of sword.

VARIAN
Looking for something?

CASSANDRA
Crikey, Adira, he's got your sword.

ADIRA
Tell me something I don't already know!

CASSANDRA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ADIRA
I know that already!

CASSANDRA
I’m your father.

VARIAN
(appalled) Dude!

While VARIAN is looking at CASSANDRA with disgust, ADIRA lunges forward and grabs her deadly sword. He wields them, triumphantly.

ADIRA
Prepare to die, you nerd bimberries!

VARIAN
No please! All I did was snatch weave a bunch of babies!

LANCE enters, unseen by any of the others.

ADIRA
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Adira Cakelover defender of innocent babies.

VARIAN
Don't hurt me! Please!

ADIRA
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these sword on you right away!

VARIAN
Because Adira, I am your father.

ADIRA looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

ADIRA
No you're not!

VARIAN
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

VARIAN tries to grab the sword but ADIRA dodges out of the way.

ADIRA
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, VARIAN slumps to the ground.

CASSANDRA
Did he just faint?

ADIRA
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly sword.

ADIRA crouches over VARIAN's body.

CASSANDRA
Be careful, Adira. It could be a trick.

ADIRA
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Varian Quirinson is dead!

ADIRA
What?

ADIRA
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

CASSANDRA claps her hands.

CASSANDRA
So your sword did save the day, after all.

LANCE steps forward.

LANCE
Is it true? Did you kill the nerd BADGER?

ADIRA
Lance how long have you been...?

LANCE puts his arm around ADIRA.

LANCE
Long enough.

ADIRA
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Varian Quirinson.

LANCE
Then the babies are safe?

ADIRA
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.

LANCE
You are their hero.

The babies bow to ADIRA.

ADIRA
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Varian Quirinson will never snatch weave babies ever again, is enough for me.

LANCE
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the babies passes ADIRA a magical opal

LANCE
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ADIRA
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

ADIRA
Well, if you insist.

ADIRA takes the opal.

ADIRA
Thank you.

The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.

ADIRA turns to LANCE.

ADIRA
Does this mean you want me back?

LANCE
Oh, Adira, of course I want you back!

ADIRA smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ADIRA
Well you can't have me.

LANCE
WHAT?

ADIRA
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a BADGER to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

LANCE
But...

ADIRA
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Cassandra.

CASSANDRA grins.

LANCE
But...

CASSANDRA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

LANCE
Adira?

ADIRA
I'm sorry Lance, but I think you should skidaddle.

LANCE leaves.

CASSANDRA turns to ADIRA.

CASSANDRA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

ADIRA
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly CASSANDRA stops.

CASSANDRA
When I said I’m your father, you know I was just trying to distract the BADGER don't you?

THE END



Created on 12th March 2019.





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