Arrogant Alien

EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Daring shopkeeper PROF MARY FERGUSON is arguing with witty homemaker MASTER DARTH DOOP. MARY tries to hug DARTH but he shakes her off.

MARY
Please Darth, don't leave me.

DARTH
I'm sorry Mary, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

MARY
I am such a person!

DARTH frowns.

DARTH
I'm sorry, Mary. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

DARTH leaves.

MARY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, friendly painter SIR ROGER VADER barges in looking flustered.

MARY
Goodness, Roger! Is everything okay?

ROGER
I'm afraid not.

MARY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

ROGER
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien fire a bunch of children!

MARY
Defenseless children?

ROGER
Yes, defenseless children!

MARY
Bloomin' heck, Roger! We've got to do something.

ROGER
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

MARY
You can start by telling me where this happened.

ROGER
I was...

ROGER fans himself and begins to wheeze.

MARY
Focus Roger, focus! Where did it happen?

ROGER
Miami Beach! That's right - Miami Beach!

MARY springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

MARY rushes along the street, followed by ROGER. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. MIAMI BEACH - SHORTLY AFTER

CHRIS BLAST an arrogant alien terrorises two children.

MARY, closely followed by ROGER, rushes towards CHRIS, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

ROGER
What is is? What's the matter?

MARY
That's not just any old alien, that's Chris Blast!

ROGER
Who's Chris Blast?

MARY
Who's Chris Blast? Who's Chris Blast? Only the most arrogant alien in the universe!

ROGER
Blinkin' knickers, Mary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant alien in the universe!

MARY
You can say that again.

ROGER
Blinkin' knickers, Mary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant alien in the universe!

MARY
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.

Chris turns and sees Mary and Roger. He grins an evil grin.

CHRIS
Mary Ferguson, we meet again.

ROGER
You've met?

MARY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young MARY is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CHRIS. She takes off her headphones.

CHRIS
Would you like some barley sugar?

MARY's eyes light up, but then he studies CHRIS more closely, and looks uneasy.

MARY
I don't know, you look kind of arrogant.

CHRIS
Me? No. I'm not arrogant. I'm the least arrogant alien in the world.

MARY
Wait, you're a alien?

MARY runs away, screaming.

EXT. MIAMI BEACH - PRESENT DAY

CHRIS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

ROGER
(To MARY) You ran away?

MARY
(To ROGER) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

MARY turns to CHRIS.

MARY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

MARY runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

MARY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.

CHRIS
I'm not scared of you.

MARY
You should be.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

MARY and ROGER walk around searching for something.

MARY
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.

ROGER
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.

MARY
You know nothing Roger Vader.

ROGER
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, CHRIS appears, holding a pair of arrows.

CHRIS
Looking for something?

ROGER
Crikey, Mary, he's got your arrows.

MARY
Tell me something I don't already know!

ROGER
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

MARY
I know that already!

ROGER
I still wear nappies.

CHRIS
(appalled) Dude!

While CHRIS is looking at ROGER with disgust, MARY lunges forward and grabs her deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.

MARY
Prepare to die, you arrogant sprout!

CHRIS
No please! All I did was fire a bunch of children!

DARTH enters, unseen by any of the others.

MARY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Mary Ferguson defender of innocent children.

CHRIS
Don't hurt me! Please!

MARY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!

CHRIS
Because Mary, I am your father.

MARY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

MARY
No you're not!

CHRIS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

CHRIS tries to grab the arrows but MARY dodges out of the way.

MARY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, CHRIS slumps to the ground.

ROGER
Did he just faint?

MARY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.

MARY crouches over CHRIS's body.

ROGER
Be careful, Mary. It could be a trick.

MARY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chris Blast is dead!

MARY
What?

MARY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

ROGER claps his hands.

ROGER
So your arrows did save the day, after all.

DARTH steps forward.

DARTH
Is it true? Did you kill the arrogant alien?

MARY
Darth how long have you been...?

DARTH puts his arm around MARY.

DARTH
Long enough.

MARY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chris Blast.

DARTH
Then the children are safe?

MARY
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.

DARTH
You are their hero.

The children bow to MARY.

MARY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chris Blast will never fire children ever again, is enough for me.

DARTH
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the children passes MARY a magic necklace

DARTH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

MARY
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

MARY
Well, if you insist.

MARY takes the necklace.

MARY
Thank you.

The children bow their heads once more, and leave.

MARY turns to DARTH.

MARY
Does this mean you want me back?

DARTH
Oh, Mary, of course I want you back!

MARY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MARY
Well you can't have me.

DARTH
WHAT?

MARY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

DARTH
But...

MARY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Roger.

ROGER grins.

DARTH
But...

ROGER
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

DARTH
Mary?

MARY
I'm sorry Darth, but I think you should skidaddle.

DARTH leaves.

ROGER turns to MARY.

ROGER
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

MARY
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly ROGER stops.

ROGER
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?

THE END