Devious Chess Player

INT. OTTAWA - AFTERNOON

Brilliant Chess Grandmaster MR MAGNUS CARLSENSON is arguing with lovely Keeper of Chess MISS PRINCESS CASSIA. MAGNUS tries to hug PRINCESS but she shakes him off.

MAGNUS
Please Princess, don't leave me.

PRINCESS
I'm sorry Magnus, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

MAGNUS
I am such a person!

PRINCESS frowns.

PRINCESS
I'm sorry, Magnus. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

PRINCESS leaves.

MAGNUS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, loyal Chess Analyzer MR CHESSY DATABASE barges in looking flustered.

MAGNUS
Goodness, Chessy! Is everything okay?

CHESSY
I'm afraid not.

MAGNUS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

CHESSY
It's ... a Chess Player ... I saw an evil Chess Player sacrifice a bunch of Pawns!

MAGNUS
Defenseless Pawns?

CHESSY
Yes, defenseless Pawns!

MAGNUS
Bloomin' heck, Chessy! We've got to do something.

CHESSY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

MAGNUS
You can start by telling me where this happened.

CHESSY
I was...

CHESSY fans himself and begins to wheeze.

MAGNUS
Focus Chessy, focus! Where did it happen?

CHESSY
New York! That's right - New York!

MAGNUS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

MAGNUS rushes along the street, followed by CHESSY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. NEW YORK - SHORTLY AFTER

SERRGEY KARJAKINSKY a devious Chess Player terrorises two Pawns.

MAGNUS, closely followed by CHESSY, rushes towards SERRGEY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CHESSY
What is is? What's the matter?

MAGNUS
That's not just any old Chess Player, that's Serrgey Karjakinsky!

CHESSY
Who's Serrgey Karjakinsky?

MAGNUS
Who's Serrgey Karjakinsky? Who's Serrgey Karjakinsky? Only the most devious Chess Player in the universe!

CHESSY
Blinkin' knickers, Magnus! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most devious Chess Player in the universe!

MAGNUS
You can say that again.

CHESSY
Blinkin' knickers, Magnus! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most devious Chess Player in the universe!

MAGNUS
I'm going to need tactics, lots of tactics.

Serrgey turns and sees Magnus and Chessy. He grins an evil grin.

SERRGEY
Magnus Carlsenson, we meet again.

CHESSY
You've met?

MAGNUS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young MAGNUS is sitting in a park listening to some rap music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees SERRGEY. He takes off his headphones.

SERRGEY
Would you like some beer?

MAGNUS's eyes light up, but then he studies SERRGEY more closely, and looks uneasy.

MAGNUS
I don't know, you look kind of devious.

SERRGEY
Me? No. I'm not devious. I'm the least devious Chess Player in the world.

MAGNUS
Wait, you're a Chess Player?

MAGNUS runs away, screaming.

INT. NEW YORK - PRESENT DAY

SERRGEY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

CHESSY
(To MAGNUS) You ran away?

MAGNUS
(To CHESSY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

MAGNUS turns to SERRGEY.

MAGNUS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

MAGNUS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

MAGNUS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with tactics.

SERRGEY
I'm not scared of you.

MAGNUS
You should be.

INT. NEW YORK - LATER THAT DAY

MAGNUS and CHESSY walk around searching for something.

MAGNUS
I feel sure I left my tactics somewhere around here.

CHESSY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly tactics.

MAGNUS
You know nothing Chessy Database.

CHESSY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, SERRGEY appears, holding a pair of tactics.

SERRGEY
Looking for something?

CHESSY
Crikey, Magnus, he's got your tactics.

MAGNUS
Tell me something I don't already know!

CHESSY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

MAGNUS
I know that already!

CHESSY
I'm afraid to lose rating points.

SERRGEY
(appalled) Dude!

While SERRGEY is looking at CHESSY with disgust, MAGNUS lunges forward and grabs his deadly tactics. He wields them, triumphantly.

MAGNUS
Prepare to die, you devious cabbage!

SERRGEY
No please! All I did was sacrifice a bunch of Pawns!

PRINCESS enters, unseen by any of the others.

MAGNUS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Pawns were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Magnus Carlsenson defender of innocent Pawns.

SERRGEY
Don't hurt me! Please!

MAGNUS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these tactics on you right away!

SERRGEY
Because Magnus, I am your father.

MAGNUS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

MAGNUS
No you're not!

SERRGEY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

SERRGEY tries to grab the tactics but MAGNUS dodges out of the way.

MAGNUS
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, SERRGEY slumps to the ground.

CHESSY
Did he just faint?

MAGNUS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly tactics.

MAGNUS crouches over SERRGEY's body.

CHESSY
Be careful, Magnus. It could be a trick.

MAGNUS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Serrgey Karjakinsky is dead!

MAGNUS
What?

MAGNUS
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

CHESSY claps his hands.

CHESSY
So your tactics did save the day, after all.

PRINCESS steps forward.

PRINCESS
Is it true? Did you kill the devious Chess Player?

MAGNUS
Princess how long have you been...?

PRINCESS puts her arm around MAGNUS.

PRINCESS
Long enough.

MAGNUS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Serrgey Karjakinsky.

PRINCESS
Then the Pawns are safe?

MAGNUS
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Pawns enter, looking relived.

PRINCESS
You are their hero.

The Pawns bow to MAGNUS.

MAGNUS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Serrgey Karjakinsky will never sacrifice Pawns ever again, is enough for me.

PRINCESS
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Pawns passes MAGNUS a Gold Chess Trophy

PRINCESS
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

MAGNUS
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

MAGNUS
Well, if you insist.

MAGNUS takes the Chess Trophy.

MAGNUS
Thank you.

The Pawns bow their heads once more, and leave.

MAGNUS turns to PRINCESS.

MAGNUS
Does this mean you want me back?

PRINCESS
Oh, Magnus, of course I want you back!

MAGNUS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MAGNUS
Well you can't have me.

PRINCESS
WHAT?

MAGNUS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Chess Player to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

PRINCESS
But...

MAGNUS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Chessy.

CHESSY grins.

PRINCESS
But...

CHESSY
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

PRINCESS
Magnus?

MAGNUS
I'm sorry Princess, but I think you should skidaddle.

PRINCESS leaves.

CHESSY turns to MAGNUS.

CHESSY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

MAGNUS
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly CHESSY stops.

CHESSY
When I said I'm afraid to lose rating points, you know I was just trying to distract the Chess Player don't you?

THE END