Calloused Bully

INT. PARKED CAR - AFTERNOON

Foolish warlock intern MARQUES MARQUEZ is arguing with arrogant professor of internetology DR. MOOSE TURLONGGER. MARQUES tries to hug MOOSE but he shakes him off.

MARQUES
Please Moose, don't leave me.

MOOSE
I'm sorry Marques, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

MARQUES
I am such a person!

MOOSE frowns.

MOOSE
I'm sorry, Marques. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MOOSE leaves.

MARQUES sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, smarter than you soldier LT. DANIELLE BLASTERMISTRESS barges in looking flustered.

MARQUES
Goodness, Danielle! Is everything okay?

DANIELLE
I'm afraid not.

MARQUES
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

DANIELLE
It's ... a bully ... I saw an evil bully eat out a bunch of elderly WWII veterans!

MARQUES
Defenseless elderly WWII veterans?

DANIELLE
Yes, defenseless elderly WWII veterans!

MARQUES
Bloomin' heck, Danielle! We've got to do something.

DANIELLE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

MARQUES
You can start by telling me where this happened.

DANIELLE
I was...

DANIELLE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

MARQUES
Focus Danielle, focus! Where did it happen?

DANIELLE
basement of balloon factory! That's right - basement of balloon factory!

MARQUES springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

MARQUES rushes along the street, followed by DANIELLE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. BASEMENT OF BALLOON FACTORY - SHORTLY AFTER

HARRY CRUMB a calloused bully terrorises two elderly WWII veterans.

MARQUES, closely followed by DANIELLE, rushes towards HARRY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

DANIELLE
What is is? What's the matter?

MARQUES
That's not just any old bully, that's Harry Crumb!

DANIELLE
Who's Harry Crumb?

MARQUES
Who's Harry Crumb? Who's Harry Crumb? Only the most calloused bully in the universe!

DANIELLE
Blinkin' knickers, Marques! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most calloused bully in the universe!

MARQUES
You can say that again.

DANIELLE
Blinkin' knickers, Marques! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most calloused bully in the universe!

MARQUES
I'm going to need keen wits, lots of keen wits.

Harry turns and sees Marques and Danielle. He grins an evil grin.

HARRY
Marques Marquez, we meet again.

DANIELLE
You've met?

MARQUES
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young MARQUES is sitting in a park listening to some baroque music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees HARRY. He takes off his headphones.

HARRY
Would you like some flower nectar?

MARQUES's eyes light up, but then he studies HARRY more closely, and looks uneasy.

MARQUES
I don't know, you look kind of calloused.

HARRY
Me? No. I'm not calloused. I'm the least calloused bully in the world.

MARQUES
Wait, you're a bully?

MARQUES runs away, screaming.

INT. BASEMENT OF BALLOON FACTORY - PRESENT DAY

HARRY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

DANIELLE
(To MARQUES) You ran away?

MARQUES
(To DANIELLE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

MARQUES turns to HARRY.

MARQUES
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

MARQUES runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

MARQUES
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with keen wits.

HARRY
I'm not scared of you.

MARQUES
You should be.

EXT. SUNNY MEADOW - LATER THAT DAY

MARQUES and DANIELLE walk around searching for something.

MARQUES
I feel sure I left my keen wits somewhere around here.

DANIELLE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly keen wits.

MARQUES
You know nothing Danielle Blastermistress.

DANIELLE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, HARRY appears, holding a pair of keen wits.

HARRY
Looking for something?

DANIELLE
Crikey, Marques, he's got your keen wits.

MARQUES
Tell me something I don't already know!

DANIELLE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

MARQUES
I know that already!

DANIELLE
I poop on my own lawn at night.

HARRY
(appalled) Dude!

While HARRY is looking at DANIELLE with disgust, MARQUES lunges forward and grabs his deadly keen wits. He wields them, triumphantly.

MARQUES
Prepare to die, you calloused rutabega!

HARRY
No please! All I did was eat out a bunch of elderly WWII veterans!

MOOSE enters, unseen by any of the others.

MARQUES
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly WWII veterans were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Marques Marquez defender of innocent elderly WWII veterans.

HARRY
Don't hurt me! Please!

MARQUES
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these keen wits on you right away!

HARRY
Because Marques, I am your father.

MARQUES looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

MARQUES
No you're not!

HARRY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

HARRY tries to grab the keen wits but MARQUES dodges out of the way.

MARQUES
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, HARRY slumps to the ground.

DANIELLE
Did he just faint?

MARQUES
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly keen wits.

MARQUES crouches over HARRY's body.

DANIELLE
Be careful, Marques. It could be a trick.

MARQUES
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Harry Crumb is dead!

MARQUES
What?

MARQUES
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

DANIELLE claps her hands.

DANIELLE
So your keen wits did save the day, after all.

MOOSE steps forward.

MOOSE
Is it true? Did you kill the calloused bully?

MARQUES
Moose how long have you been...?

MOOSE puts his arm around MARQUES.

MOOSE
Long enough.

MARQUES
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Harry Crumb.

MOOSE
Then the elderly WWII veterans are safe?

MARQUES
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly WWII veterans enter, looking relived.

MOOSE
You are their hero.

The elderly WWII veterans bow to MARQUES.

MARQUES
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Harry Crumb will never eat out elderly WWII veterans ever again, is enough for me.

MOOSE
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the elderly WWII veterans passes MARQUES a shiny gold krugerrand

MOOSE
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

MARQUES
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

MARQUES
Well, if you insist.

MARQUES takes the gold krugerrand.

MARQUES
Thank you.

The elderly WWII veterans bow their heads once more, and leave.

MARQUES turns to MOOSE.

MARQUES
Does this mean you want me back?

MOOSE
Oh, Marques, of course I want you back!

MARQUES smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MARQUES
Well you can't have me.

MOOSE
WHAT?

MARQUES
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a bully to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MOOSE
But...

MARQUES
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Danielle.

DANIELLE grins.

MOOSE
But...

DANIELLE
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MOOSE
Marques?

MARQUES
I'm sorry Moose, but I think you should skidaddle.

MOOSE leaves.

DANIELLE turns to MARQUES.

DANIELLE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

MARQUES
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly DANIELLE stops.

DANIELLE
When I said I poop on my own lawn at night, you know I was just trying to distract the bully don't you?

THE END